You know you are from Hamburg when….
1. you hear someone yell “Hummel, Hummel” and it is an automatic reflex to yell back “Mors, Mors”
2. the words Kiez/Dom/Alster/Franzbroetchen/Bambule/Schanze/Rote Flora/Fischmarkt actually have a meaning to you
3. you hear someone talking about “DOM” and you immediately start thinking about candy and rides, and get irritated when you find out they actually mean a church
4. you enter a room by saying “Moin” and leave by saying “Tschüss” and don’t think it’s abnormal at all
5. the radio says, “Queen Mary is arriving on Sunday” and you actually know who (or more so what) is coming
6. you don’t think it’s weird that public transportation/taxi/police drive Mercedes, instead everything else is weird
7. making fun of Holland is a national institution, and vise versa
8. you NEVER leave the house without an umbrella9. you always say, “that’s not rain” when it rains in countries that normally never get rain
10. you walk to a bar/club in a foreign city and get irritated when not passing by sex shops and strip clubs and start wondering if you are going the right direction
11. you were never able to grasp the idea of a “speed limit” and “drinking age”
12. you find it bizarre that people go to church on Sundays
13. you go downtown on a Sunday morning and don’t expect to see a single soul on an hour walk (and not because of church, see above)
14. you just love to sing “auf der Reeperbahn nachts um halb eins” and “Hamburg, meine Perle” with any kind of liquor
15. You find teenage mums shocking and very strange; because you don't know anyone who had a child before 25...and you thought that was young
16. You feel bad if you're not outside on a sunny day
17. Hookers and the homeless are invisible
18. You know that "religious holiday" means, "let's get wasted."
19. When a stranger on the street smiles at you:
a. you assume he's drunk
b. he is insane
c. he's an American
d. all of the above
20. When a stranger asks you a question on the street, you think it's normal to just keep walking, saying nothing
21. You assume that anyone who apologizes after bumping into you is a tourist
22. you think it's normal to be drunk every friday and/or saturday all year round
23. you get off the train in Munich and wonder if you got off at the wrong stop, because nobody seems to be speaking German
24. you think it’s completely normal to have a festival once a year, celebrating a Norwegian band and seeing thousand of people wearing “Turbojugend” denim-jackets – and you actually know what it means
25. you expect people to drink a bottle of Jäger each and think it normal
26. you don’t care about sport and winning as long as Bavaria is defeated ALWAYS.
27. you have driven to Denmark just to eat a hot dog
28. people have told you they are offended by your sarcasm (cheers)
29. you get confused when people start taking about “Bundesländer”
30. you keep you distance, when you see a car with a PI/SE/SL license plate
31. you don’t consider silence a social problem
32. you have the tendency not to divide words when writing in English, because “Wörtertrennung” is a sin with many rules
33. people tanning nude im “Stadtpark/Elbe” is absolutely normal to you
34. you went on class trips in High School and drank/smoked with you teacher
35. you listen to “The Final Countdown” every New Year and are surprised others don’t
36. the only way you can calm yourself down of there being a German pope is by repeatingly telling yourself that he is Bavarian
37. You hear Americans talk about “Football” and naively think they mean “Soccer”
38. you think it’s completely normal to have your city taken over by bikers at least once a year, and go to the Harley-Davidson days yourself to watch the Dollhouse strippers perform – and run into your parents
39. going to “Finkenwerder” is the equivalence of a road trip
40. film crews on the street are annoying to you NOT exciting
41. you consider the “Europapassage” and “Hafen City” are a big waste of tax money
42. you know the rules of “Herbertstraße” and more importantly “Sierichstrasse”4
3. you know it doesn’t matter if FC St. Pauli wins or loses as long as we can print a t-shirt
44. AC/DC’s “Hells Bells” has a completely different meaning to you, and when heard abroad makes you homesick
45. You consider the question "how are you?" as a question that when posed, needs to be answered with a honest and thorough explanation of your mental health
46. You keep an ice scraper and can of de-icer on the floor of your car...year round
47. you wear only waterproof mascara (girls and boys – no discrimination)
48. you consider Berlin southern Germany
49. The weather changes from 70 and sunny to 20 and snowy in under an hour, and you hardly notice
50. School can get cancelled due to both extreme heat AND cold (well, in the old days)
51. In winter, you go to /school in the dark and come home in the dark-while only working eight-hour days
52. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation
53. you order ice cream in the winter
54. you take public transportation even when you own a car, because you found a perfect parking spot a week ago and don't want to lose it
55. You avoided the inner city during the “Schlagermove and CSD”, and you know what CSD actually is
56. Prostitution is legal – so what??
57. You love bread and can't get such good bread anywhere else in the world
58. You can't get away from tourists... that's a fact…especially when going out at night and seeing the Hawaiian shirt stare in amazement/distortions at such things at “Die Ritze” and “actual” prostitutes
59. you, of course, drink your beer/liquor in the street
60. you know you can get on the subway without a ticket easily
61. you see people drinking beer... any time, any place, any brand, and any age
62. you realize that potatoes are not just a bland side-dish, but a way of life
63. when you memorize someone else's name and address to give to the ticket checkers on the train to avoid a fine
64. public nudity just doesn't shock you
65. your friends in other countries think you're insane for eating salty liquorices
66. you get altitude sickness on the penthouse floor
67. your favorite pizza is kebab pizza
68. random strangers smile at you on the street and make you suspicious
69. none of your friends own a car
70. You consider "schlager" being a proper music genre
71. You have a tendency to make German verbs out of English nouns, and do not consider it slang or grammatically incorrect
72. After having realized that someone is standing on your foot in the subway, you think that the best idea is to not say anything at all or maybe cough or nod a little in order to attract the attention of the person standing on your foot
73. when saying you are German, people ask you about Oktoberfest/Beer/Dirndl/Pope and you want to slap them
74. Your bad mood becomes your good mood
75. you accept alcohol as food
76. you’ve watched a 10 year old smoke a cigarette and thought nothing of it
77. when in Bavaria/Austria/Switzerland you try to communicate in English, because you don’t understand their German (however they do understand you)
78. you understand how the train and bus system works but the idea of trying to explain it to someone who doesn’t live here gives you a headache
79. you’ve drunk so much beer that you’ve considered renting a car to take the bottles back for the “Pfand”
80. the difference between a “Landsprach” and an “Amtsprache” doesn’t apply to you
81. you are glad of the pause during a movie, so that you can smoke a cigarette
82. You start to wonder what's wrong when a train is more than a minute late
83. cursing is mandatory, not optional and definitely, not offensive
84. you know what "Haspa" stands for
85. in elementary school you sang song auf "Plattdeutsch"
86. your grandparents refer to you as "mien jung" and "mien deern", and indeed you are a "hamborger jung/deern"!
86. du redest nicht du "schnackst"
87. you understand "An de Eck steiht ´n Jung mit´n Tüddelband"
88. and the songs below mean something to you
89) When people ask where you are from and you say Hamburg instead of Germany and then act really confused when people say... so you're German then? errr no, I am from Hamburg as I said before.
90) When you tell Amsterdamers that Hamburg is so much better because
a) we have the biggest red light district in the world and
b) we have more bridges then Amsterdam and Venice combined.
91) When people say... "Ich geh mal ne Runde spazieren" and you actually know what they mean.
92) When people ask you if the Hamburger was made in Hamburg and you don't think it's funny.
93) When you can quote John Lennon who famously said: "I was born in Liverpool but raised in Hamburg"
94) When you secretly know that Berlin's party scene is the fucking best in the world but you still insist that Neidklub, Mandarin Casino and other Park parties are the best.
95) When Udo Lindenberg walks past and you don't even register him anymore while all the tourists shoot 1 million photos of him.
96) When you prefer Astra instead of
97) hink Bayern should split from Germany and create its own kingdom
98)There isn't anything in this universe that disturbs you...except normal stuff
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